Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, March 14th, 2011 (USA Network)
Location: The Scottrade Center in St. Louis, Mo.
Results by Thomas Hall of 411 Wrestling

“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”

We open with a picture of the Rock and hear him talking to the president. He makes fun of Cena’s promo last week, saying it wasn’t funny and that Cena talks like a child. Cena’s music hits and Rock says he’ll have to call the President back. Rock talks to someone off camera, saying that Cena is a man for coming to see him.

And it’s a kid. The kid is in a Cena shirt and raps a bit but Rock says that Cena has to talk like an adult. Rock sits down and makes fun of “Cena”, saying that while Cena has run with the ball since Rock is gone, he hasn’t run that far. At the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that Cena simply isn’t that talented.

Rock says it doesn’t matter how that makes him feel and Cena starts crying. Rock says that the fans should be crying after seeing Cena’s movies. The Rock gives him a gift: a box of Fruity Pebbles. This is absolutely hilarious by the way. After sending the kid away, Rock turns to the camera and turns his attention to the Miz.

They haven’t been introduced and Miz claims to be the most must see WWE Champion in history. Well he’s the Rock, the most electrifying man in all of entertainment. There’s this ominous music playing in the background at the same time. Miz hit the People’s Elbow and insulted his family. That statement means that Miz wants the biggest ass whipping of all time. Rock says the time for talking is done and before Mania he will be on Raw. Cena needs to shut his mouth. The smack will be laid down, if you smell what he’s cooking.

Trish is in the back with Snooki. Someone get me my gun that I don’t own.

All three commentators are here and Cole is in his own glass/plastic box. That’s hilarious. Oh and it’s called the Cole Mine. Great stuff. There’s no top on it.

Here’s Miz and we get a clip of three weeks ago when Miz and Cena won the tag titles. Also we see the end of the cage match and of last week’s show. In present time Miz says that Rock’s shirt says I Bring It. That’s true as he brings bad movies, weak catchphrases and long diatribes of a has been. Miz runs down Rock’s family because he’s WWE Champion, making him better than them.

Rock likes to make six year olds cry. Miz says Rock should step into this ring as Miz will make Rock cry. Rock doesn’t own Cena, the Miz does. Miz says that he hopes Rock brings it here to St. Louis, but if Rock does he’ll be overshadowed by Miz. The catchphrase seems to end the commercial but we have an e-mail.

Cole has to leave the box to get to the podium and Lawler blocks his way. Apparently Jerry is going to read them tonight. There are two first time ever matches tonight: one for Cena and one for Miz. Cena faces Alberto Del Rio and Miz faces the Great Khali. I would have bet on HHH but I guess they’re saving that for Mania. Miz vs. Khali is next.

The Miz vs. Great Khali

Naturally Khali dominates to start. Cole is already getting on my verves by ignoring Lawler every time he talks. Khali gets the big overhead chop and locks in the vice less than a minute in. Miz’s face being all crushed is hilarious. Miz gets the rope and Riley runs in for the DQ (wasn’t he fired?) at 1:14. Miz destroys Khali with a chair Austin style post match. DDT on the chair ends it. Miz actually BROKE the chair, as in one of the legs is hanging off. There’s a gash in Khali’s back too which I can’t imagine is fake.

b. The Miz @ 1:24 via DQ when Alex Riley interfered

Cole is going to expose Lawler tonight with a special guest.

Orton vs. Ryan later.

We see the HHH video from Smackdown which is designed to make HHH look like a tough bad ass. That isn’t that hard to do.

John Morrison is talking to Snooki. Damn it he had potential. She offers him a spot of Jersey Shore. Vickie and Dolph come up and make fun of Snooki. Apparently Vickie was offered the cover of Playboy. Snooki makes a fat joke and blocks a slap to hit Vickie and we take a break.

US Title: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

There’s a graphic with an American flag and fireworks for the US Title. Cool. If Sheamus loses he quits. Gail Kim is with Bryan here. Sheamus looked angry about the idea of the stipulation even though it was his idea I believe. Sheamus takes over early as we talk about the possibility of the curse of being King of the Ring. Bryan moonsaults over Sheamus and tries the LeBell Lock but Sheamus escapes.

Suicide Dive to the floor takes down Sheamus and a missile dropkick takes down the Irishman for two. Sheamus hits the floor again and looks lost as we take a break. Back with Sheamus in control of Bryan, mainly focusing on his back. Bryan grabs a small package for two and sends Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus may have hurt his ankle again just like last week.

He makes it back in this week but the Brogue Kick misses and Bryan grabs the LeBell Lock. Sheamus grabs the ropes and tries the High Cross. Bryan rolls through it for two and they slug it out with Bryan taking him down. BIG kick to the head gets a long two. Bryan goes up but jumps into the Brogue Kick which ends Bryan’s title reign at 9:00. Sweet ending.

Sheamus b. Daniel Bryan @ 9:00 – Brogue Kick

Rating: B. This was a good TV match with both guys coming off looking good. Sheamus is arguably a bigger star than Bryan so it’s not like this is a major upset. The kick looked great too so it’s not like some weak move ended it. Good TV match too and it got some good time with some hard hitting shots. Good stuff.

Cole says he’s going to commit Regicide (killing of a king) tonight and his guest is up next.

After a recap of last week’s segment with JBL, Cole and Austin. Cole is in the ring and says that Jerry gets defensive about his family. Tonight Cole isn’t going to talk about Lawler’s family because Lawler’s family is going to talk about Lawler. Cue Brian freaking Christopher, looking like a slim Dusty Rhodes with a beard with a distance. Christopher cuts a total heel promo, saying how Lawler never wanted a family or a son and when Christopher made it to WWE, Lawler didn’t acknowledge that Christopher was his son.

Lawler grabs the mic and says that he’s glad Christopher never went by Brian Lawler, because he’s a bigger screw up than Charlie Sheen, proven by him associating with Michael Cole. Brian asks his dad how it feels that his son was at Wrestlemania before Lawler did as one of the biggest stars in the company as part of Too Cool (just go with it). Christopher gets in his face and Lawler just sits there and takes it. Cole says this proves that Lawler is a loser.

CUE JR of all people who says that Cole has gone too far with everything and that Cole needs to come to his senses. Cole says that Ross needs to just go away and that he’s the voice of the WWE and not Jim Ross. Ross has wanted to talk to him about that, because the voice of the WWE is that of the fans, not one person. Lawler has been carrying Cole like a baby kangaroo in his mother’s pouch. Ross says Cole isn’t cuddly like a kangaroo though. He’s a rat bastard.

Cole talks about how this is what he always expected: Ross leaving Cole in his Cole’s ring like a coward. JR takes the jacket and tie off and is ready to fight. As he gets ready, Swagger jumps Lawler and then hits the ring to beat up Ross and put on the ankle lock. Lawler gets up and hammers Swagger but Cole jumps on Lawler and puts the ankle lock on Lawler who taps. Cole puts the hold on Ross and the evildoers stand tall. Good stuff here indeed.

Edge and Christian get a tag title shot on Friday. Cool.

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan

Huge hometown boy pop for Orton of course. Orton has punted everyone so far and this is the final one left for Orton to beat. Punk is on the ramp of course and if Ryan wins he can be in the corner of Punk at Mania. Ryan uses basic power to take over and hits the sitout Rock Bottom for two. The referee seemed like he had to stop early there so maybe Orton missed his cue. Ryan picks him up and another attempt is countered into the RKO to end it at 2:58. This was nothing for the most part but at least the dismantling of the Nexus is over now.

Randy Orton b. Mason Ryan @ 2:58 – RKO

Orton goes up for Punk on the ramp but turns around and sprints back into the ring to punt Ryan as well. Punk tries to get in from behind but Orton turns and they lock eyes with both almost on their stomachs. Punk slithers out. Ryan is taken out on a stretcher.

We recap Snooki and Vickie from earlier and that slap.

Drew Carey is going into the Hall of Fame. What do you even say to that?

Cole talks some more about how awesome he is.

Snooki and Trish are up next. Snooki gets hit on by Zach Ryder and it’s totally pointless.

Snooki comes out and says nothing at all of note. Way to earn that paycheck!

Vickie Guerero vs. Trish Stratus

This is No DQ all of a sudden. Before the match Vickie yells at Snooki and claims that she was supposed to be on the cover of Rolling Stone instead of Snooki. Trish works as a brunette too. Vickie warms up before we get going here so Trish rolls her up for two. Vickie runs to the floor and loses her shoe. She gets it back and uses it like a sword. Then she throws the shoe at Trish and tries to use it like a baseball bat.

Vickie gets spanked by the shoe until Dolph comes in for the save. Cue Morrison for the second save and a big corkscrew plancha to take down Ziggler. Laycool comes in and Michelle gets the boot to the face of Trish. Vickie gets the pin at 2:30. Just a comedy match here, and yet still longer and better than Hardy vs. Sting. You knew I’d have to get a shot in at that somewhere.

Vickie Guerrero b. Trish Stratus @ 2:30 – Guerrero pinned Stratus after a big boot from Michelle McCool

Laycool gets in Snooki’s face post match and the fight is on. Trish makes the save. Snooki raises her arms and the tips of her fingers are equal to the top of Trish’s head. Vickie makes a challenge for a 6 person/Diva/creature tag at Mania. Snooki will do it. Oh sweet damnation I need a blunt object to bash my skull in with.
Sin Cara is still coming. That looks awesome.

Shawn talks about Undertaker. I should point out that it’s 10:58 and we have a main event to go still. Shawn praises Taker as he did HHH last week and nothing of note is said. There’s an aura to the Streak apparently.

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena

Del Rio grabs a headlock to start and Cena speeds things up. Cole says Rock is here tonight in St. Louis. Del Rio hits the floor and we take a break at 11:05. Ok then.

We are back and Del Rio with a drop kick to Cena and he gets a near fall. Del Rio with a side head lock but Cena with a belly-to-back suplex. Cena and Del Rio both go for clotheslines and both men are down. Cena and Del Rio exchange punches as the crowd is conflicted over who to cheer and who to boo. Cena with two flying shoulder tackles followed by the Blue Thunder Bomb. Cena sets for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and he hits it to finish the Legendary Sequence. Cena gets Del Rio up for the Attitude Adjustment but Clay punches Cena and the referee calls for the bell.

Winner: John Cena by disqualification

After the match, Clay and Del Rio attack Cena.

The Rock’s music plays and It is Miz with a bald cap and a Rock t-shirt.

Cena punches Clay and then he kicks Del Rio. Miz gets taken down by Cena but Clay takes care of Cena.

Miz with a Rock Bottom on Cena. Del Rio hits the running enzuigiri in the corner. Clay hits a Fallaway Slam and Cena goes to the floor.

Miz gets on the turnbuckles and poses like the Rock. Miz pulls off the bald cap and he stands over John Cena and he picks him up and runs Cena’s back into the ring post.

Miz gets on the mic and he asks Cena how his road to Wrestlemania is and then he hits Cena in the head with the mic. Miz tells Cena that he has owned him the last three weeks and he will own him for the next three, all the way to Wrestlemania. Cena gets up and Miz hits him again with the mic. Cena starts to crawl up the ramp and Miz picks up Cena and suplexes him on the ramp.

Cena punches Miz and gets him up for the Attitude Adjustment but Miz gets away and he hits a DDT on the stage. Miz picks up Cena and he throws Cena into the spinning WWE logo on the stage. Cena tries to get back to his feet and Miz waits to hit the Skull Crushing Finale and he hits it on the base of the Spinning WWE Logo.